3 Things I'd Do BEFORE Becoming A Mother
From Birth to Becoming: Reflections on 7 Years of Mothering
Seven years into my mothering journey, I’m finally taking a moment to be in awe of all that’s unfolded.
MY son turned 7 on the 1st of the month and most of my energy that weekend went toward running around making his birthday wishes come true, but in the quiet after the celebrations, I’ve been reflecting on how far we’ve both come.
With how much I talk about intentional, intuitive childbirth and all of the scientifically, politically, and spiritually informed ways to prepare, it may come as a surprise that I was absolutely clueless when I went through my own initiation into motherhood.
Or maybe it's obvious that my passive, naive navigation led me down the cascade of interventions that put my baby in the NICU.
That experience sent me on my path toward birth work—to understand how it happened and how I could help others avoid the same fate.
Whenever I tell people that I’m a birthworker, it's common for ears to perk up because despite an average of 4-5 babies being born every second, this common miracle, something so universal, is still clouded with misinformation and misconceptions.
Most people I’ve talked to express conflicted feelings about childbirth. There’s an inner pull, an assumption even, that birthing and motherhood are inevitable in their path but it’s always been paired with deep fears.
There’s fear of childbirth itself: the pain, uncertainty, and logistics required birthing within medical and political systems. Then there’s also fears rooted in the common wounds of our human experience: self doubt, fractured familial relationships, the future of the world.
It's no wonder so many loving people are writing themselves off from their dreams to birth and be a parent.
So when someone asks, “What would you tell someone thinking about becoming a mother?” This is where I begin.
I truly do get it. Raising children in these times can be disheartening on a good day, terrifying on an average one. But throughout history, in times of war, peace, and everything in between, people have continued to birth with the hope and trust that humanity will carry on.
As I reflect on my own journey, the experiences of my clients, and the questions I’ve been asked over the years, here are 3 things I would tend to before getting pregnant if I knew what I know now.
1. Tend To My Village Now
The lack of a village is one of the most common fears I hear about and as a doula I’ve been hired to fill that gap many times.
But, against my own business interests, I have to say that doulas are not a reliable antidote to a society that lacks community mindset and infrastructure. If I wanted to give birth one day, I’d start with showing up as the village member I want to see when my time comes.
Start asking, dreaming, and imagining: Who are the people surrounding you and your child(ren) when your time comes?
Relationships take time, so start tending to them now. And if you want people to show up for you one day, consider how you can show up and reciprocate in the meantime.
2. Identify My Inner Voice
I can’t emphasize enough the importance of learning what your inner voice sounds like and developing your ability to honor it through your communication and expression.
If you’ve been raised in a culture that has put significant efforts to distance you from your inner knowing, doing this for the first time while pregnant may be overwhelming.
Therefore, prioritize distinguishing your intuition from other voices as early as possible.
What helped me get started was intentional silent time: closing my eyes, listening to the sound of my breathe, and imagining my exhale pushing all other voices and energies that do not belong to me away from my body. A practice of clearing outside forces.
If you need some help getting there, I guide practices like this on Soft Power TV with my peer practitioners. Your doulas, midwives, and even your partner(s) are important companions in using your voice, but only you can speak for yourself.
3. Connect With My Birthing Spirits
The third guidance I’d offer is to start assembling your spiritual support team. Yes, midwives, doulas, therapists, and bodyworkers are part of this – but what I really mean is the well ancestors, guides, and even spirit babies that are coming forward for your journey.
When I first began my studies to become a doula in 2019, I underestimated just how spiritual this experience is. By studying both the physiological experience and the history of birthing in the U.S., it’s become clear to me that erasure of the spiritual aspects is also part of the colonization of childbirth.
Whether we acknowledge them or not, spirits are heavily involved in this process and I’ve grown to believe that this is a major tool available to support us.
This year I’ve had several clients who are experiencing connection with their spirit babies while also being unpartnered and intuitively years away from giving birth. Many of these spirits don’t have plans to land on Earth for another few years, but they are coming forward to guide their parents down their most aligned path now.
From what I've seen, tending to our relationships with our communities, intuition, and spirits can often be the difference between a status quo birth and an empowering, sacred initiation.
Childbirth is not the only major milestone these areas support, but I do believe it's a high stakes arena for nurturing these essential relationships. I obviously didn't tap in to these things prior to my pregnancy, so it's never too late whether you're already deep into your parenting journey or never plan to have kids at all.
